After spending the last year on 40+ dating platforms, reviewing over 10,000 profiles, exchanging hundreds of messages, participating in dozens of video calls, and meeting people in person, I’ve realized something surprising:
I don’t struggle nearly as much with rejection as I do with ambiguity.
A clear “yes” is easy.
A clear “no” is easy.
It’s the “maybe” that drives me crazy.
And the more I pay attention to modern dating, the more I think ambiguity may be responsible for a huge percentage of the frustration people experience.
The Fuzzy Zone
Before I can be interested in someone, I need a basic understanding of whether they’re even a realistic possibility.
Not whether they’re attractive.
Not whether they’re nice.
Whether they’re viable.
For me, some of those baseline questions are:
- Do they have children?
- Do they want children?
- Do they live within a reasonable distance?
- Are we reasonably aligned politically?
- Are we looking for the same type of relationship?
Without those answers, people tend to exist in what I think of as the Fuzzy Zone.
They’re not rejected.
They’re not pursued.
They’re simply unresolved.
An open loop.
I see this all the time in Facebook singles groups.
Someone posts.
They’re attractive.
Interesting.
Funny.
I click their profile.
Now I’m hunting for clues.
Do they have kids?
Where do they live?
Are they single?
Are they looking for a relationship?
I scroll.
I search.
I investigate.
Sometimes I find the answers.
Often I don’t.
And when I don’t, I usually move on.
Not because they failed some test.
Because I still don’t have enough information to know whether further effort makes sense.
The funny part is that I may repeat this process with the same person over and over.
Weeks later they post again.
I recognize them.
I check again.
Still no answers.
Still fuzzy.
Still unresolved.
Then one day something changes.
Maybe they make a comment.
Maybe they answer a question.
Maybe they write an introduction post.
Suddenly I have enough information.
The fuzziness disappears.
The attraction didn’t suddenly appear.
The uncertainty disappeared.
Compatibility Creates Focus
One thing I’ve realized about myself is that attraction doesn’t usually happen first.
Viability happens first.
When I discover that someone checks my major compatibility boxes, they move into focus.
My brain shifts from:
“Interesting person.”
To:
“Potential person.”
That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in love.
It means I finally have enough information to explore.
And that exploration is where attraction, chemistry, and connection can grow.
Then Comes the Second Layer
Let’s say I now know we’re potentially compatible.
Great.
Now a different question appears:
Are they interested?
This is where ambiguity shows up again.
And honestly, I think it’s even more frustrating.
The Problem With Signals
Modern dating is full of signals that seem meaningful but often aren’t.
A thumbs up.
A heart reaction.
A smiley face.
A vague compliment.
A “maybe.”
A “sometime.”
A “that sounds fun.”
The problem is that none of these actually answer the question.
Imagine I leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s post.
They react with 👍.
What does that mean?
It could mean:
- Thank you.
- I agree.
- That’s nice.
- I’m interested.
- I’m not interested.
- I don’t know what to say.
- I’m busy.
The reaction itself doesn’t tell me.
The loop stays open.
The uncertainty remains.
The Hidden Cost of Ambiguity
One ambiguous interaction isn’t a problem.
Five ambiguous interactions become exhausting.
At some point, most people start making assumptions.
They begin filling in the blanks.
And usually those assumptions aren’t particularly accurate.
One person thinks:
“They must not be interested.”
The other person thinks:
“I thought I was being obvious.”
Neither understands why the connection never progressed.
Why This May Be an AuDHD Thing
As someone with AuDHD, I’ve realized I naturally look for clarity.
I like information.
I like directness.
I like knowing where I stand.
That doesn’t mean everyone needs to communicate exactly the way I do.
But it does mean I often experience ambiguity differently than some people.
A vague response doesn’t feel neutral.
It feels unfinished.
Like a browser tab that never closes.
An open loop sitting in the background consuming energy.
And the longer it stays unresolved, the more attention it demands.
The Dating Dance
I’ve noticed many people seem uncomfortable being direct.
Instead of:
“I’m interested.”
They hint.
Instead of:
“No thanks.”
They fade away.
Instead of:
“Message me.”
They leave a reaction and hope the other person interprets it correctly.
Instead of:
“I’m not feeling a connection.”
They disappear.
Everyone is trying to avoid discomfort.
Ironically, this often creates more discomfort.
Clear Is Kind
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned is that clarity is usually kinder than ambiguity.
Examples:
“I’d enjoy getting to know you better.”
“Feel free to send me a message.”
“I’m flattered, but I don’t think we’re a match.”
“I’m not available for dating right now.”
Those responses might feel vulnerable.
But they eliminate confusion.
Nobody has to decode them.
Nobody has to guess.
Nobody has to wonder what a thumbs up was supposed to mean.
The Three Questions Revisited
In my previous article, I talked about three questions I’m always trying to answer:
- Are they interested?
- Are we compatible?
- Will they actually engage in the process?
Ambiguity creates problems because it prevents those questions from being answered.
The compatibility information is missing.
The interest signals are unclear.
The engagement never becomes obvious.
And people end up stuck in limbo.
Not moving forward.
Not moving on.
Just waiting.
Final Thoughts
I’ve come to believe that many dating frustrations aren’t actually caused by rejection.
They’re caused by uncertainty.
A clear yes allows something to begin.
A clear no allows something to end.
But a maybe, a hint, a reaction, or a vague response can leave people trapped in an unresolved loop far longer than either person intended.
If there’s one lesson I’ve learned, it’s this:
Clarity may feel uncomfortable in the moment.
But confusion is usually more painful in the long run.
About These Field Notes
Written by Karissa Skirmont with editorial assistance from AI. All opinions, experiences, examples, and final edits are my own.These articles are based on my personal experiences navigating modern dating, including participation across over 50 mainstream and niche dating communities, reviewing over 10,000 profiles, hundreds of conversations, dozens of video calls, 25+ first dates, 26 years in committed relationships, sexual health education, and countless observations along the way. They're not universal truths, just patterns I've repeatedly noticed and found worth sharing.
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#DatingFieldNotes #DatingAdvice #Communication #AuDHD #Relationships #OnlineDating #Compatibility #ModernDating #IntentionalDating #DatingApps
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