After spending the last year on 50+ dating platforms, reviewing over 10,000 profiles, exchanging hundreds of messages, participating in dozens of video calls, and meeting people in person, I’ve noticed some recurring patterns.
While many of these examples come from dating apps, the same principles apply almost anywhere people are trying to form new connections – dating apps, singles groups, social media, meetups, hobby groups, or even in-person conversations.
If you’re struggling to get replies and meaningful connections, this may help.
The Problem with “Hi”
❌ “Hi.”
❌ “Hello.”
❌ “Hey.”
❌ “What’s up?”
These messages aren’t offensive.
They’re just difficult to respond to.
Think about it from the other side.
If someone receives 20 messages and 15 of them say some variation of “Hi,” there’s nothing to distinguish one conversation from another. They now have to do all the work of creating the conversation.
And many first messages are filled with words that don’t actually accomplish anything:
❌ “How are you?”
❌ “My name is Steve.”
❌ “Hey beautiful.”
❌ “Good morning, sweetheart.”
❌ “How’s your day going, hun?”
Let’s break that down.
Most dating apps already display your name on your profile, so introducing yourself again usually doesn’t add much value.
Exception: If you’re on a platform that primarily uses usernames instead of real names, then yes, please introduce yourself. It’s much more natural to say, “Hi, I’m Steve” than force someone to remember they’re talking to “MountainGoat472.”
Pet names like babe, hun, sweetie, gorgeous, sexy, darling, handsome, and sweetheart can also feel oddly intimate coming from a complete stranger.
Some people won’t mind.
Many will.
Why create unnecessary friction before you’ve even started a conversation?
A Better Formula
A better first message gives someone something specific to respond to.
You don’t need a pickup line.
You don’t need to write a novel.
You don’t need to impress them.
You just need to show that you actually noticed something about them.
A simple formula is:
Greeting + Observation + Question
Examples:
✅ Hi Name! I noticed you’re into hiking. What’s been your favorite trail this year?
✅ Hey Name! Your dog looks like he keeps you busy. What’s the funniest thing he’s ever done?
✅ Hello Name! I saw that you enjoy live music. What’s the best concert you’ve attended?
✅ Hi Name! Your profile mentioned that you recently moved here. What’s been your favorite discovery so far?
✅ Hey Name! You seem passionate about your work. How did you get into it?
Stop Trying to Appeal to Everyone
The purpose of dating isn’t to appeal to everyone.
The purpose is to find your people.
A lot of people send generic messages because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing, offending someone, or getting rejected.
But if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, you actually want to learn whether you’re compatible.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions that reveal values, priorities, goals, and lifestyle.
Examples:
✅ Hi Name! What does your ideal Saturday look like?
✅ Hey Name! What are you hoping to build with the right person?
✅ Hello Name! What’s something you’re working toward right now?
✅ Hi Name! If you could wave a magic wand and change one thing about your life, what would it be?
✅ Hey Name! What’s something most people want that you don’t?
✅ Hello Name! What’s a dealbreaker you’ve learned the hard way?
The right person won’t be turned off because you asked a thoughtful question.
And if a question causes someone to lose interest, that’s useful information too.
You’re not trying to create a conversation with everyone.
You’re trying to discover:
• Are they interested?
• Are we compatible?
• Will they actually engage in the process?
Move to a Phone or Video Call Sooner
Texting is a terrible way to get to know someone.
When we’re reading messages, we unconsciously fill in the blanks.
We imagine their tone.
We imagine their energy.
We imagine their confidence.
We imagine their sense of humor.
In other words, we start creating a version of them in our heads.
Then a phone or video call happens and suddenly they’re completely different from the person we imagined.
A 10-20 minute phone or video call can save weeks of texting with someone who isn’t a match.
You’ll quickly learn:
• How they communicate
• Whether conversation flows naturally
• Whether they’re engaged and curious
• Whether your personalities click
• Whether they actually show up
Conversations Are a Team Sport
Good conversations are a team sport.
Think of it like tossing a ball back and forth.
One person throws the ball.
The other person catches it and throws it back.
A good reply usually does one or more of these:
• Answers the question
• Shares something about yourself
• Asks a new question
The conversation keeps moving because both people are participating.
A Quick Note for the Men
Many women receive a high volume of messages. Generic greetings and copy-paste compliments often disappear into the crowd. Specific observations and genuine curiosity tend to stand out far more than “Hey beautiful.”
A Quick Note for the Women
Many men say they’re tired of carrying the entire conversation. If you’re interested, help move things forward. Ask questions. Share something about yourself. Give them something to work with beyond “Hi” or a one-word answer.
If It’s Not a Match, Say So
Sometimes after a few messages, or after reading someone’s profile more carefully, you realize there’s a mismatch.
That’s okay.
Not every conversation needs to become a date.
You don’t need to ghost.
You don’t need to invent an excuse.
A simple message is enough:
“Hey, thanks for chatting. After learning a bit more about what you’re looking for, I don’t think we’re quite the right match. I wanted to be respectful and let you know rather than disappear. Wishing you the best in your search.”
It takes less than 30 seconds to send and gives the other person clarity.
Dating is hard enough without leaving people wondering.
Final Thoughts
The easiest message to ignore is:
“Hi.”
The easiest message to answer is one that gives someone a reason to respond.
And the most valuable message is one that helps both of you figure out whether there’s actually something worth exploring.
About These Field Notes
Written by Karissa Skirmont with editorial assistance from AI. All opinions, experiences, examples, and final edits are my own.These articles are based on my personal experiences navigating modern dating, including participation across over 50 mainstream and niche dating communities, reviewing over 10,000 profiles, hundreds of conversations, dozens of video calls, 25+ first dates, 26 years in committed relationships, sexual health education, and countless observations along the way. They're not universal truths, just patterns I've repeatedly noticed and found worth sharing.
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